How Awful
by Dazelle
Summary: Harry and Draco run into each other in a blooming relationship...Harry hopes. HPDM. parody R&R Please.
1. When Harry Met Sally

How Awful

Disclaimer: I don't own enough to get sued.

**A/N: I'd like to dedicate this story to all of those authors out there who like to write crazy stories that tend to get a thing called flames. **

_Chap 1: When Harry Met Sally_

Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table, enjoying his scrambled eggs on toast and thinking how great it would be if they served this particular form of egg and bread for every meal.

First Ron, then Hermione sat down on either side of him. "Are you two still in a piff?" Silence. "Oh come on, 'Mione! He didn't mean to step on your cat, isn't that right, Ron?"

"Yeah. The bugger just ran right out under my foot, there was nothing I could do!" Ron insisted.

"Oh! You are a truly AWFUL person, Ronald Weasley!" And Hermione got up and stormed out of the Great Hall to who-knows-where. Probably the library.

Just about the entire table was shooting dark looks at the two remaining members of the Golden Trio, and Harry was now plain sick of it. "What are you looking at!" He asked a particularly small first year. Ron only sat next to him and brooded.

"I am SO sick of this! Just apologize to her, Ron! I'm not going to play the middleman anymore; I have other friends I can hang out with until you make up!" Harry grabbed his bag and stormed out of the Great Hall.

There was but one flaw in his magnificent plan-he didn't really have any other friends.

Harry muttered darkly to himself as he walked down the corridors, not noticing that other students just stood to the side of the hallways and avoided getting close to him; all the while they muttered things like 'Another mood swing…' or 'They say Golden Boy's finally cracked…'

Said wonder boy didn't hear a thing and only stopped his small rampage because he had run into something rather solid.

"Watch where you're going, Potty! Someone might take your running into them personally one day." Draco Malfoy himself sneered disapprovingly at Harry as he lay sprawled on the floor in front of him.

Harry was left speechless as soon as he looked into the other boy's eyes. He had never noticed how silver they were before… He seemed to even remain unaware of his current dishevelled position on the floor as he stared at the Slytherin.

Malfoy grimaced before tripling his glare and sneer, kicking Harry in the side, and continuing on down the hallway. "Goddamn Gryffindors…"

Harry held a hand against his side in wonderment; had the angel just touched him? He shook his head, this was Malfoy, not an angel! But he swivelled his head to watch the retreating back anyway.

Maybe all he had had to do for all those years was look at the blonde differently and he would have seen him in a new light; they had been pulled together in many unpleasant situations. It was as if, in the past, a magnet has been pushing them towards each other.

With a triumphant smile Harry stood up, Draco Malfoy loved him! The dark moodiness that had been on his face before the encounter was now gone, replaced by a childish giddiness. If he loved the flaxen-haired boy then he must be loved back, there was just no other way to explain how they kept coming across each other!

A/N:

A million thanks to my marvellous beta, Vaughn!

And… hugs to everyone who read this, kisses to everyone who is going to go on and review!

Until next time- eat cheese…eat chocolate… DON'T GO TO THE GYM!


	2. Watching the Dragon, Phase One

How Awful

**A/N: this one is a bitstrange but it gets better from here!**

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_Chap 2: Watching the Dragon, Phase One_

Harry had made it back to the entrance of the tower without running into more than four suits of armor, walking through seven ghosts, and running into (and consequently pushing over) two professors. Luckily they were all so stunned by his cheerful gaze and his jovial walk that none of them cared to say or do anything other than watch him continue on.

Harry came to an abrupt stop in front of the fat lady and screwed his face up in concentration a moment. "The password is… I should screw Draco Malfoy?"

She shook her head, no.

"Err… Malfoy is a-"

Harry was cut off by Ron coming up behind him, "Where have you been, mate? I was about to venture into the library before I came to my senses, you'd commit suicide before going in there. Right? Right? Harry, can you hear me?" He waved his hands in front of his best friend's face for a moment before running out of patience and smacking him upside the head.

"Wha- Sorry, Ron. I'm in Heaven right now." He grinned dreamily.

Ron could see that he was about to lose him once more so he smacked him once again. "I'll send you to Hell if you don't stop acting like a girl!"

"Wait, you can do that?" Harry looked thoroughly confused and Ron could tell he was not in a state of mind to get jokes right then.

"Pink Poufs." The portrait swung open and he dragged Harry inside and pulled him down onto a couch.

Hermione came running in just a few seconds after them. "Oh Ron! Did you find him?"

The redhead nodded. "Yeah, and I think he's high or something…"

Harry came out of his reverie just in time to catch the last part of Ron's statement. "Hey! You know what? I don't have to take this crap! I'm in LOVE!"

Hermione took a step back. "It's okay, Harry. We… We understand! We were just talking about… Snape… and how he hasn't washed his… hair…" She spoke rather haltingly.

Ron caught on, "Yeah, yeah. And how he has never understood how to make a shumpop potion…"

Harry laughed, "Do you mean shampoo?"

Ron turned red. "That's the one…" He paused before changing the subject noticeably quickly, "So, who're you in love with?"

Harry grinned, resembling a demented, well, teenager. "Draco Malfoy. We're soul mates."

Ron shot a look at Hermione that clearly said, 'You're a girl! Talk him out of it!' before making a swift James Bond exit.

Hermione lowered herself down on the couch next to Harry. "Draco, did you say?" Harry nodded, and she continued, "Oh, well, Harry. I'm glad you're happy, but why him?"

The dark-haired boy glared at her. Really glared.

Hastily, Hermione added, "It's great though! Truly great! I'm glad that you two could get over your differences and make -something- of it!"

Harry grinned. "Yeah. Thanks for the support, 'Mione!" He checked his watch. "Sorry I've got to go, I've got Quidditch practice! See you later!"

Hermione watched his retreating form with a frown. _Why did Malfoy have to come in and complicate his life even more?_

**X**

Harry woke up only to find the dormitory still shrouded in darkness. He yawned; the weekend had been very nice. He had played Quidditch until his bum was numb and then spent the rest of the time thinking about how to get Malfoy to admit his love.

He attempted to stand up but ended up crashing onto the floor with a groan. "Goddamn Mondays." He didn't bother trying to be quiet, his roommates were like zombies.

He managed to get to a standing position and pull some clothes on. In his past experiences, Draco had always gotten to breakfast early and then left soon after Harry himself got there.

The plan was to go Draco Watching. It was faultless; he just had to observe the Slytherin whenever he could, especially during classes. He couldn't be surrounded by his cronies all of the time, could he?

**X**

Turns out he could. Harry watched him all through the day and at dinner, sat, frustrated. They even crowded the love of his life in classes. And he had been caught staring, not that it embarrassed him, but he was worried that Ron and Hermione were going to be violently sick and projectile vomit on him if he even mentioned the word 'Draco' or something related under his breath.

He would have to keep this project to himself.

**X**

It was now Thursday, and Harry was at a loss. It seemed that the only time Draco had ever been alone was when they had run into each other a few days ago. Now he sat glumly in Charms, in the back like usual, with his head resting on his hands and his emerald orbs focused the blonde that sat on the other side of the room from him.

"Shit, Hermione. Won't you just hex the two of them?" She shook her head. "Please? I'll be extra special goody good! I promise!"

She frowned at him. "I'm trying to work." He opened his mouth, but she cut him off, "NO. For the last time, no! I'm not going to break rules for your love life, Harry."

He pouted for the rest of the lesson, ignoring Flitwick.

As they exited the classroom, Harry turned to his friends: Ron looked sleepy and Hermione frustrated. Obviously she had had to wake the redhead up again.

"I'll catch you two later, I've got to… Er, go and see a man about a dog."

He turned and walked to the nearest bathroom, fully intending to splash some water on his face and formulate a plan for the afternoon's session of Malfoy Surveillance. He was stopped, though, by an arm thrown out in front of him. Another joined it and he was dragged into and empty classroom by none other than the point of his adorations himself.

"Afternoon, Draco, what can I do for you?" he asked casually, seating himself on a desk and offhandedly watching the blonde.

"What the Hell are you playing at, Potter!" Draco looked more frightened than angry, though he was trying to mask it.

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Whatever could you mean, Muffin?"

"Don't call me that! Don't call me anything!" Malfoy turned away from Harry. "Stop staring at me you... You... Freak show!" He turned and started towards the door.

Harry jumped up. "Wait! I love you!"

Draco shot him a disgusted look, "Sod off, perv," and he left in a swirl of his cloak.

**X**

Harry sat on a couch in the Gryffindor common room, Ron on one side of him and Hermione on the other. They had found him in the same classroom that he had talked to Draco in and had hauled him back up here.

"Harry, just tell us what happened!" Hermione had been saying this every thirty seconds for the last ten minutes.

He just shook his head; they would never understand, they had never been in love. In love and shot down. "I need to get drunk…" he muttered.

"What was that, Harry?"

Ignoring Hermione, Harry stood and left the common room through the portrait hole.

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**A/N:**

**Thanks a MILLION to my reviewers . made my day, that did!**

**Next chapter: An Excessive Use Of Capitals!**

**Till next time- sing a little… dance a little… make a little noise… get down tonight!**


	3. House Elf Harassing

How Awful

**A/N: Here we are, Chapter 3.**

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_Chapter 3: House Elf Harassing _

Ron gaped at Harry's retreating back; Hermione only shook her head sadly.

"What do you reckon's wrong with him?" The redhead, always insensitive in the relationship area, didn't see why Harry had had to pick the most annoying guy in the school to fall in love with. "Why the ferret?"

Hermione pursed her lips. "Just try to understand, okay? His heart chose, not his brain, he really doesn't have control over how he feels."

Ron seemed stuck between a rock and another rock. "But the ferret?"

The brunette rolled her eyes. "Just let it go, Ron, just let it go."

**X**

Harry walked grumpily down the corridors, following his well-known route to the kitchens. He shouldn't even bother saying anything to his friends; they obviously didn't care even a little bit.

Finally, he got to the portrait of the fruit and tickled the pear, effectively turning it into a handle. Gripping the newly-made knob he turned and pushed, letting himself into the kitchens.

He was swamped by house-elves holding up trays filled with cakes and other sweets.

Harry pushed them away. "Get me a bottle of Firewhisky." His voice came out as a croak.

He settled down on a chair at a small, round table in the corner specially made for people who missed out on meals and came down there for some food.

With a giant bow, a small elf placed a brown bottle in front of Harry. "If this is to yours liking, Sir?"

"Yeah, thanks." He pulled the cork out of the container, throwing it aside and not noticing the elves that scurried to pick it up before the dirt might be noticed in their absolutely spick and span kitchen. He took a deep gulp.

A few hours later, the table was littered with tons of empty Firewhisky bottles and Harry was deep in conversation with a scared-looking house-elf he had named Kinky.

"So, Kinky-"

"It's Inky, Sir…"

"Whatever. What do you think about love?" His head lay on the table, but he still managed to take a swig of the bottle and emptied it. "Can I have another?"

Inky placed a bottle in front of Harry and answered his question, "I's thinking that love is a great thing, Sirry…"

"Right you are, Kinkers. Love is fantastic! Finally I've found someone who understands me!" He grinned and finished half the bottle in one drink.

"Sir, maybe you shouldn't be drinking so much?" Inky squeaked. For the last hour and a half, the other house-elves had been sliding Sober-up Potions at Harry, but he had just pushed them off the table in annoyance.

"What! What?" He attempted to stand up but only fell into a heap on the floor. "I'm not eeeeeven drunk yet…"

Inky managed to slip off the chair and retreated into the ranks of his kind, who were silently watching Harry with identical looks of pain on their faces.

A small scuffle broke out and another elf was pushed out. "Sir? Sir, is you okay?"

"Yes, Kinky, I guess so…"

"It's Binky, Sir…"

"Whatever. What do you think about love?" He emptied the bottle, and, before he could ask, another was placed into his hands.

"Sir, me is thinking you is in love." The poor elf seemed so uncertain if he was even supposed to be talking to students like this.

"Right you are, Kinky! Draco Malfoy, I swear he's a god…" He greedily drank out of the bottle.

Harry sighed, and then frowned. He felt hot all of a sudden so he lay down, pressing his cheek against the cool floor. "Kinky?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Do you think he loves me back?"

"I, I don't knows, Sir. Maybe he likes sober people?"

The hint was not appreciated. Harry sat up and put his face only an inch away from the elf's. "Are you saying I'm not good enough?"

"No! No, Sir! You is more than good enough!" The elf smiled tightly, bowed, and backed away.

"Ugh. I am so trashed…" Harry looked around, what could he do to give him inspiration on how to snare Malfoy in his trap. He pulled out his wand and waved it a bit.

Strangely enough, music started playing and Harry struggled to his feet. He grabbed the nearest elf to him and started slow-dancing with it. "I love this song, Kinky. Don't you?"

The elf looked like it was going to explode from fear, "Of course, Sir."

Harry yawned, dropping the house-elf. He scanned the kitchen; nothing was very interesting here.

He stumbled to the door and wrenched it open. He was about to step out before he turned back. "I want another!"

When he had a Firewhiskey tightly clasped in his hands, he left the kitchen.

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**A/N: I know, No Excessive Use Of Capitals. But there was a ridiculously drunk Harry! **

**Thanks a million to Vaughn, my absolutely fantabulous beta, I love you! .**

**Also thanks to those who reviewed, I really appreciate your input.**

**Till next time- play PSP, play X Box, but don't forget the poor Nintendo 64.**


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